♥givemeachancetoshowireallyloveyou.
#290
tears just flow down like that, uncontrollable. am i weak or am i just putting on a brave front? i guess i was, thinking too highly of myself. what ashame. i aint strong anymore. wad a joke, it only reveal how lousy and incapable i am. go ahead and laugh at me!
i admit during the whole conver, i was trying to give in. in fact, i told myself, i should gave in. there's nothing big about this whole incident. if i were to show him tantrum, things got worst. i do my best and i think it still going fine. nothing happen. just a bad dream. and it going to be over once i'm awake.
feeling sick. very sick. didnt dare to tell dear. worry he might be worry. for the first time, i didnt eat for the whole day not even a drink. not because i didnt bring money, but i'm saving for the gift. the 2month gift. same thing, i dont dare to let him know i starve myself again.
my head got heavy, my eyes got swollen. simply because i kept all this to myself. was on the phone, but i act happy, reassuring things will be alright. i didnt get affected. i didnt talk to 'C'. his replied;'if you want to talk to her go ahead' it's hurtful. and once again, infront of MSN, i cried again. i dont know if you ever know, you say by loving you more you will trust me. but no, you ask me the same old question again and again. you scream and got angry, if it's the usual me, i will yelled back too. but just now, i didnt. not tht i got no feeling to this r/ship. but i think it's better to keep things simple. i didnt scream, i didnt yelled. i apologized. to make him feel better. while i was controlling my tears, acting as if i'm an idiot smiling to myself.
again, the question was asked. 'will you leave me? pls dont.' i'm a sucker. i have no perseverance. tears just flowed down on it's own. what's the problem again that this question is being asked? no trust or wa. i dont know. i really dont know. i couldnt think anymore. my head was filled with ways to keep myself like a happy fool saying nothing actually happen. i screamed and cried this time. weak again.
at this very moment, i got no idea what to do. xm didnt know wad happen. reassured sy and lj that i'm fine. i know the 2 are still worried for me. i'm not feeling good at this moment. i hope i do have someone to shout and scream at. scared my big family again. i was screaming like a mad.
can you just take it as pity me to stop mentioning about if i'm affected by her. if i believe her, i should just go ahead and listen to her. if i want to talk to her, i can jolly well go ahead. i know how much you love me. you always say if i wanted to leave, if i wanted to leave, if i wanted to leave.... i'm not. i say i'm NOT. but did you ever trust me?
it's my fault. i'm lousy. nothing to do with you. i just need that moment of peace to think about it.
dont worry, i wont cry anymore. i have run out of tears. real lot. aizat was right, maybe when i cried, it mean; i'm scare to lose you. when i bother to give in; that mean; i have really fall for you.
once again, i did not say i dont wan you.
i have no excess energy to think. i have no more tears to cry. i have no more enegy to convinced myself that, yes, he trust you all this while. no more, i got no more.
god, you are never fair to me. you didnt answer to my prayer. didnt i pray that i wont get hurt anymore, but still i did.
fever, flu and sore throat. it just came at this point of time, with a empty stomach and a really broken heart. god, take away such pain from me. it's too much to bear. i'm sorry is everything in my dictionary now. i'm not trying to quarrel with you or let you sympathize with me. maybe you will not see this entry. all i ever want to do is to let you know how much i really love you. how much i really want you to feel happy. i got no energy, that's why i'm moody.
i'm uncle's brave girl. isnt it?
'i get what you mean liao, i'm sorry for disturbing you.' how hurting is it. thank god, you put me through all this again. you say you will never let go my hand if i didnt ask you to. but still, you did tht to me. i'm a failure. a real bitch. wad have i done to deserve all this. i dont know. seriously, i dont know.
