just 10 more days, we are finally reaching our 1year 8 months. it took us so much hardship to reach this very moment, yet actually as and when i'm unhappy, i feel like giving up.

when we just got together, i dare not let anyone know i'm in a relationship. unless those really close to me one. cos i feel we wont last long. so in order not to let anyone know when my friend saw me in town with him, i will let go my hand. when my friend ask if i have a boyf, i will say we are just friends. sometime when i looked back, i wonder, if he were the one that let go my hand, if he were the one that tell his friends that we are only friends, how will i feel. i think the point of putting his feelings into consideration have been neglected for the past 1year 7months and 20days.

it dont seem long compare to others but its the longest relationship i have. i couldnt deny the fact tht i miss those time when we just got together. he will come to cck and i will bake for him. he will meet me every now and then. we will have dinner together regularly, we can go shopping etc. but when time pass, i realised i put in more effort in other stuff then maintaining the relationship. somehow i can meet him once a week. when yp told me she couldnt bear tht shaun is going off, i thought its like no big deal. but actually i realised, she is just much much more devoted than me.

i dont know why this few days when i'm like out of job. i tot of godpa much more often. i felt like a sinner for not attending the dinner on saturday. i felt like i have neglected this old man after i'm into a relationship. but still, he didnt blame me for it. all he wished was that i can go and visit him regularly. but still, i didnt make a point to do so.

same goes to boyf. all he wished is that i could just be a little more understanding but still i didnt do that as well. i think my life is just so full of ppl who are nice and tolerant to me. both are steven. but one is koh the other one is chow. boyf shower me with love while godpa guide me out of those days.

if that day i went back for dinner, i think i wont feel so guilty now and i cant even fall asleep at this very moment. cos i really dont know what to do.

those were the times when he make me study so hard. when he make me like math. when he make me understand what is actually called care. he done alot, really alot for me. those time when i threw tantrum in ava, and i took my bag and went off, he actually scolded me so strictly and making me know what went wrong. when he thought actually i did something wrong actually i didnt, but he still apologized for misunderstanding me. even though he's my godpa. i know that alot of people dont like him, i dont deny the fact that we are not as close as in the past but still i make a promise with joachim that he's our dad. i know it seem a little ridiculous but still without his help, i think i wont be who i am now. if not for all those words he say in cambodia, if not for all his help for the math, i think i will die now. i think i like retain for dont know how many years. even though he know how much i hate to apologized to other, but still he have his way to make me say it.

nevertheless, i wanted to tell him i'm sorry cos i didnt make a point to even try putting some effort to support his annual dinner. 

god is great. he send 2 guys to me who make me realised what is care and concern and the other one that let me know what is love.

i think i'm a little too much today. i actually got jealous over his grandma who is like dying. faint. just because, he spend more time with her. im pissed. i couldnt deny that when he say he cant watch movie with me cos he wanted to go home to take care of his grandma, i felt like crying and i really wish to turn back and head home. (and still i did) but come to think about it he's in the wrong of unable to actually plan out his time but i'm in fault too cos i cant spare a thought for him. i'm sorry.

i think my personality got me into such dilemma, cos simply i enjoy winning. -.-

im sorry. 

i know godpa wont see this but just to tell you i really hope you are doing fine and i promise i will head back as soon as i got time. im sorry, ):